Types of Food Babies

The Morning After Food Baby: This food baby is still with you when you wake up, and is usually acquired one of two ways: 1) From a delicious five-course meal ingested with pride, or 2) a 2:00 AM post-bar binge at the Waffle House. Either way, you wake up and are ready to call this food baby a cab home. 

Disproportional Food Baby: This mysterious food baby occurs when you eat a moderate amount of food, but have a strangely large food baby to show for it. Often times, the puzzling size of this food baby can be attributed to mass Diet Coke consumption with the meal.

Spare Tire Food Baby: This food baby could also be called the Sodium Baby. Most often this one is obtained by eating eggs benedict washed down with two bloody mary’s. The food baby not only protrudes outward, but your sides (and possibly lower back) will increase in size.

Murderous Food Baby: This one is no fun.  This is when your food baby gets mad and takes revenge. Stabbing stomach pains are usually a result of eating questionable ethnic food

Stoutbaby: This unique brand of food baby is acquired not by eating, but by drinking heavy dark beer. Two pints of Guinness will result in a solid food baby showing – but if you’re really trying to impress your friends, attempt to eat a mozzarella stick on top of the Stoutbaby.

Fake-Out Food Baby: This is a food baby that makes a flamboyant appearance at the end of the meal, but pleasantly disappears within an hour or so. A great example is after a sushi binge. You feel absolutely stuffed, but ready to eat again almost immediately.

Rise-and-Shine Food Baby: The rise-and-shine comes about from a particularly large breakfast or brunch. The beauty of this one is that it’s usually gone by mid-afternoon and you can shoot for a second food baby of the day around dinner time.

Not Tonight Honey Food Baby: This one is depressing, but we’ve all been there. This occurs when your food baby is so massive that you can’t even imagine (logistically) how to get it on with your mate. Sigh.

Burnbaby: When your food baby is accompanied by annoying heartburn.

Houdini Food Baby: The one huge meal in your life that you can eat endless amounts of. Example: a Japanese steakhouse. Somehow you can eat the soup, salad, noodles, veggies, meat, and rice without breaking a sweat.

Meat Sweat Baby: This is a very unique food baby that occurs only after eating a porterhouse steak, or visiting a Brazilian steakhouse where they serve you unlimited meat from a sword.

Busy Twins Food Baby: This is not the same as the Murderous Food Baby, in which you are experiencing stabbing pains. This is more like benign but continuous activity in your stomach, much like twins kicking during the second trimester. This might be acquired by over-grazing on the passed hors d’oeuvres. 

Hideaway Food Baby: A food baby manageable enough that you can suck in on command around attractive members of the opposite sex.

Company Dime Food Baby:  A very smug and satisfying variety of the food baby, simply because you are stuffed full of fabulous food and wine, and your boss paid for it.